Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My "Mother" Heart

Lately I have noticed a surplus of those "mother" pains that I feel in my heart. I know that I seem to be feeling everything a bit more deeply these days, but as certain events have taken place I find that that those aches and pains I get in my heart are a sure sign of my complete transition into motherhood.

I never thought I would be here. I remember saying that I never wanted kids. That I never wanted kids to spit-up on me, or wrinkle my ironed shirt. I knew deep down I was to be a mother. As I have had my kids and stay at home each day with the kiddos I often wonder, "really, this is my life???"

As life has unfolded I realize that life is amazing and goes by in a flash. Those aches that I feel in my heart are those aches associated with growing.

I am weaning Jackson from nursing and as I thought about the days that I no longer have to calculate what I do around a feeding schedule I am giddy with excitement. Once again, as I have feed Jackson in the early morning hours I have that ache that I will soon no longer have those quite moments that his little body cuddles into me and those sweet little noises has he fills his belly.

Josh, my sweet little wild card!!! The things this kid figures out. He took on the neighbor boy 10 years older then him and I tell him, Josh you will end up crying....5 minutes later tears. I want to shout I TOLD YOU SO, but the mother ache in my heart grabs him up to hug and kiss the pain away. Is it really possible to feel the same pain my children does?

James started 2nd grade this year and the night before his first day we were getting things ready. In my mind I am so excited for school to start. I am so excited that someone else can work on entertaining and teaching my child. Sad summer has wrapped up? NO.

However, Sunday night as James and I were pull things together I told him I will drive him in the morning and walk around back to the doors with him. James is quite for a moment and looks at me, "hum, I will just walk by myself"

Hip Hip hurry for Independence...Yes, but the ache in my heart as I realize that my boy is growing up and is happy to do things without Mom by his side.

"My plan to faze myself out is almost complete"

One evening James was saying family prayers and his prayer stated this, "please bless mom to be more patience." Do I laugh? No, I feel that ache and realize that I have failed my kids, and James understands to much now days.

I sometimes find myself wishing away these days. For some reason I think once my kids are grown and self-sufficient all will be right with the world. I now know that as my little kiddos continue to grow and slowly spread their wings I find those pains in my "mother" heart when I least expect it. I never thought I would feel bad when I stopped nursing, I am ready for my body back!!! Sad when Josh of all is the one crying when he gets hurts....No, I am sure he had it coming. James growing and needed me less and less.

Life is amazing and I truly and grateful my little guys and the spice they continue to add to my life. Onward and upward, and I will continue to experience my little aches and pains.


Amy said...

Cute post Heidi. I have the same feelings. So excited for easier times, but a little sad things change. The trick is to try and enjoy each stage of life and live it to the fullest!

The Jacksons face in that pic!

Shannon said...

Heidi! It's been forever! I had to comment on this post because it made me so emotional for some reason. Probably due to the raw honesty of it. For the record, I see you as a wonderful mother whose kids adore her. They're going to be the best boys ever largely due to your guidance and influence. I am sure of it. I can't believe they're so big though!! Love ya Heidi. Seriously, I do.

Maga said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings about your amazing life. I have to laugh when I read about Josh, as my 3rd boy was just like him--always doing some dumb thing, but feeling closer than ever to him.

Andrea said...

Like you said, it's just like yesterday you and Jamie were screaming at my belly for those babies to come out! It's so easy to wish away our lives when things are hard, isn't it? I probably wished away the first 5 years of Jake and Abby's lives!

You are a darling mom and have NOT failed your boys. If failing is not having enough patience with our small children, then mothers all over the world have failed!! I just say, tomorrow is another day and I will try to do better. Everything looks better tomorrow doesn't it?? :)

Jamie said...

It's so true. Motherhood is totally bittersweet. And yes, I think it's totally possible to feel the same hurt that our kids feel. Hooray for school starting, but a bummer that it hurts as life passes by.

Thanks for all the together time over the last few days. You have been my saving grace.

Love you!